Here are a few simple tips to help you make friends at the ski area this season:
DO proceed to the front of the line before turning around to look for your friends.
DO wait until 10-15 people are behind you in line, and then turn around and ski back out of line through all the people to wait for your friends.
DO bury your season pass or lift ticket beneath multiple layers of clothing. When you get to the front of the lift line, make sure you have to unzip two or more zippers in order for the lift attendant to scan your pass.
DON’T allow other people to join you and your friend on a chair with empty seats. When they ask, just stare at them silently until they give up.
DO let a few empty chairs go past you when you get to the front of the line. If you get bored waiting for more empty chairs to go by, pull your phone out of your pocket and check your Instagrams or Twitters, or play some Candy Crush Saga.
DO come in hot. Keep your speed up past the “SLOW” sign all the way up until the absolute last second before you almost hit the person/people at the back of the lift line, then stop. Don’t worry about crashing into human beings. Human beings are only in your way.
DO smoke in line. Cigarettes, cigars, weed, ham, whatever. If you have an old tire, bring that and burn it too.
DON’T be shy about farting on other people. Hold them in until you are in a crowded lift line, then share them.
DO bring a baby up to the front of the line with you. In a child carrier or not, doesn’t matter. The lift attendants will be like, “I’m sorry, you can’t take a baby on the chairlift.” Just be like, “But I’m a good skier. Plus babies are durable.”
DO step on other people’s skis, snowboards, and pole baskets while you’re in line. If they don’t feel it when you do it, try grinding your edge over their topsheets.
DO cut in front of other skiers. If they don’t notice it when you do it, try saying “I DO WHAT I WANT” over your shoulder as you ski ahead.
DO turn up your music. Everyone loves music!
DON’T get out of the way before unstrapping your board or adjusting your boots
DO yell at your kids. Or spouse. Or anyone. You are right, and they are idiots. Everyone should know.
DO talk shit about the ski area to let everyone around you know what a badass you are. For example, at your home ski area, that double black diamond you just skied would be a green.