Pros And Cons Of Selected Snow Travel Methods

SKIING, POWDER
AND
SNOWBOARDING, POWDER
Pros: Is best thing ever, on snow, anyway
Cons: Costs money for ride to top of ski slope, or costs significant exertion hiking to top; hard to predict and thusly can cost significant work hours, and/or cause loss of employment

SNOWBLADING
Pros: Who is to say, really
Cons: Is snowblading

POSTHOLING, UP TO KNEE
Pros: builds character
Cons: builds character

POSTHOLING, UP TO WAIST
Pros: burns calories
Cons: Builds anger

FATBIKING
Pros: New, exciting, everybody’s talking about it, puts smile on face for hard-to-explain reason, means you do not have to stop biking during winter
Cons: Takes time and effort to pump up flat tire; sometimes hard to convince significant other of legitimate reasons for buying yet another bike IT’S JUST BECAUSE I WANT ONE OK HONEY JESUS CHRIST CAN’T SOMEONE JUST BUY A NEW BIKE WHEN THEY WANT A BIKE THIS IS AMERICA ISN’T IT GET OFF MY ASS WOULD YOU

SKIING, CROSS-COUNTRY
Pros: Great way to burn calories and get outside in wintertime
Cons: Pretty much eliminates joy of downhill part of skiing

SKIING, UPHILL
Pros: Great way to burn calories and get outside in wintertime; usually enables downhill skiing
Cons: Is significantly more tiring than sitting on chairlift eating breakfast burritos in between runs

SLEDDING, PLASTIC SLED
Pros: Inexpensive, fast, easy to steer
Cons: Any visionary and/or motivated sledder can break a plastic sled within the first hour of usage

SLEDDING, INNER TUBE
Pros: Cushy, inexpensive, fast
Cons: Complete lack of steering, hitting bumps can mean instantaneous ejection and possible injury

SLEDDING, RUNNER SLED
Pros: Classic, easy to steer, photogenic
Cons: Hard to fit more than one person on sled; accidentally ramming into an unsuspecting sledder at full speed usually = emergency room visit; when unmanned, becomes a high-velocity death missile missile hungry to destroy ankles and shins

SLEDDING, SAUCER SLED
Pros: Lightweight, inexpensive, fun, complete lack of steering
Cons: Complete lack of steering

SLEDDING, CARDBOARD BOX
Pros: Inexpensive, disposable
Cons: Durability issues limit amount of fun achievable with one box

WALKING
Pros: No specialized equipment needed
Cons: Basically regular walking with less-solid footing

WALKING, IN HIGH HEELS
Pros: Looking good in that outfit even though it’s winter
Cons: Extremely elevated risk of eating shit in that outfit

RUNNING
Pros: Teaching self that you don’t have to stop running just because it’s winter; also not getting fat during winter months
Cons: See “Falling” and “Postholing”

AVALANCHE
Pros: n/a
Cons: Possible burial, possible serious injury, possible serious death; death = no more skiing or any other traveling on snow, or traveling on any other earthly surfaces, really

SNOWSHOEING
Pros: Inexpensive, enables hiking in winter
Cons: Downhill snowshoeing significantly less fun than other downhill snow travel methods; i.e. perchance there is gnar, you are simply walking through the gnar

FALLING
Pros: None
Cons: Result of fall is impact with ground, leading to broken bones, contusions, strange stains on clothing, sometimes strange stains inside clothing depending on angle/severity of fall

CRAMPONS
Pros: Stability, ability to climb ice
Cons: Puncture wounds of pants/flesh; hard to drive car while wearing

SNOWPLOW
Pros: Beats the shit out of shoveling; operator is hero to drivers everywhere
Cons: Usually requires early wakeup time

SNOWCAT
Pros: Enables access to non-lift-served ski terrain without physical effort
Cons: Literally crushes the pow, expensive to acquire; once acquired, people are really uptight about letting you drive it on their property

SNOWMOBILE
Pros: Fast, fun
Cons: Relatively expensive, can be hard to fit on roof rack of a car or in closet of small apartment

-Brendan

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15 replies on “Pros And Cons Of Selected Snow Travel Methods”
  1. says: Dan

    This confirms it. “Downhill snowshoeing significantly less fun than other downhill snow travel methods; i.e. perchance there is gnar, you are simply walking through the gnar”

    Snowshoes are out. Thank you for solidifying my decision. I’ve been wanting snowshoes for quite some time and never pulled the trigger. I will now let go of that dream.

    Well said.

  2. says: Mtnlee

    Sliding down a glacier on a black plastic garbage bag.
    Pros: Wicked fast, no control
    Cons : Wicked fast, crevasses

  3. says: Cumulus

    You left out butt-sliding down a hiking trail.

    Pros:
    Lots more fun than trying to avoid unintended butt-sliding.
    Gets you down the mountain a lot faster.
    Cons:
    You might end up becoming a tree-hugger, but not in a good way.

  4. says: gabriella

    HAHAHAHAHA this is seriously so funny Brendan.

    I just experienced the TERROR of coming downhill (on a crusty slopeside) on cross country skis in RMNP. Super great going up but not so much coming down. Lake Helene/Notch Top Mountain were worth it though by far 🙂

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