Dear Winter:

Dear Winter:

Hey man. How’s it going? A few of us were just talking about you. And by “just,” I mean for the past two months. Wondering what you’re up to, where you’re at, if you’re going to make it out West this year, or if we should just put the skis and stuff away until December.

I saw via a couple people’s Facebook and Instagram feeds that you’ve been spending some time and precipitation in the Northeast—that’s cool, please give those folks a high-five from us and tell them to enjoy it. I don’t want to sound entitled or anything, but it seems like you’ve kind of blown your whole wad out there this year, don’t you think?

I mean, I could be wrong, but I don’t think the people in Boston are that stoked about you dropping five feet of snow on them this month. Vermont, yes. Boston, well, that’s a lot of shoveling, and not a lot of skiing. If you would have left two feet in, say, the Sierras, or in the Pacific Northwest on your way over there, that would have been really nice.

Okay, sorry, you’re right. No, I should not be telling you how to do your job. I am a writer, not a season, and I have no idea what it’s like. Yes, that was out of line. But really, did you leave all the snow in Japan on your way here?

Sorry. But look, seriously, if this were a performance review at your job, most of us would be a little more than disappointed. Metaphorically, let’s say you were a waiter. Most of your customers in Colorado would be leaving you sub-20% tips. People in Washington and Oregon would be sitting at their tables wondering how you could have forgotten to bring the food out to them. Californians would be standing outside the restaurant scratching their heads, confused if you were going to open the doors, or if you just decided to say The Hell With It and sell the business.

I’m not really sure what to say to get you motivated. I mean, the new Mad Max movie trailer looks interesting, but I think a lot of people in California were thinking they might have a few more years before that type of “water war” situation happened, instead of Summer 2015. Are you pissed about people not conserving water? Maybe we can work out a trade. Say we stop watering lawns. Would you, in exchange, drop a couple feet of white stuff in the Sierra?

Let’s be frank: You’re not most people’s favorite season to begin with. Yes, around the holidays, at the beginning of winter, maybe through the first couple snowstorms, everybody’s excited. But by early February, we all get a little tired of tracking snow everywhere, driving on edge, shoveling, watching the fluffy white stuff turn into piles of brown slush on the curbs, waiting in the freezing pre-dawn hours for our dogs to poop so we can go back inside where it’s warm, you get the picture. Spring has blooming flowers, fall has changing colors, summer has vacation, rock climbing, mountain biking, trail running, peak bagging, backpacking, hiking, swimming, kayaking, and exposed flesh—man, you have to put up a bigger fight and at least TRY to make a case for second place.

I’m saying skiing is cool, and is probably the #2 reason people like you (second to Santa Claus) at all. We’ve built all this infrastructure so we can have fun with you. And then you don’t show up. To paraphrase every teenager’s mother ever, we’re not mad at you, we’re just disappointed.

You have about a month left. What do you say?

-Brendan

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Category: HumorSatireskiing

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8 comments

  1. Stop watering? How about we get rid of all lawns that aren’t parks as a tended lawn is a really stupid concept.

    Thanks Brendan, loved it as usual.

    1. Agreed!!! Turn lawns into communal gardens (At least the watering is for the greater good. Greater good maybe being squirrels and bunnies).

  2. I think Winter’s just got a hot new girlfriend and she lives in the Northeast. I heard he left this note:

    Dear Colorado-tah,
    We’ve had a lot of great times together. Some really epic ones even. You’re, ahem, mountains, are gorgeous and all. You’re really beautiful, so please don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. It’s me. I just need to move on in my life. I need a faster past & more culture in my life. I like dirtbaggin’, don’t get me wrong, and Vermont says there is plenty of that. I just want to be able to go see a show on Broadway or visit a great museum or drink a beer with more than 3.2% alcohol. I need a little more edge in my life. I hear those East Coast skiers know all about edge.
    I hope we can eventually be friends, but for now it’s time for me to move on. I hope you find someone else that’s better for you.

    Sincerely,
    Winter

  3. I’m in eastern PA and today was the third day in the last five to have a high of 15 degrees or lower. It is currently 5:30 PM and 11 degrees. I wish I were in Bozeman where it’s warm.

  4. I agree. Some of us would even like some snow in the Mid-West. We have had enough of sub-zero temps , however.

  5. Sorry to everyone out west but Its happening in New England. I’ve been ripping lines that haven’t been able to ride in years!!!! Thank you winter!!!!

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Article by: brendan