Are you sick and tired of diets that JUST DON’T WORK?
Do you feel like a sucker after losing a few pounds with the NEWEST WEIGHT LOSS PRODUCT, but not seeing results after the first few days?
Well, maybe it’s time to try a real solution that’s guaranteed: THE 10,000-FOOT DIET.
Brought to you by the same people who invented POOPING IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND and SLEEPING ON A ONE-INCH THICK MATTRESS, the 10,000-FOOT DIET has been proven to work by expedition climbers, long-distance backpackers and thru-hikers, and will work for you.
Listen up, Man-Boobs: Do you have a week of vacation you’d like to dedicate to losing those pesky last few pounds, getting rid of those love handles and that ass-fat, and turning yourself into a shredded, cut, human beast? Forget those surgeries, those meal-replacement bars and shakes, forget meth—the 10,000-FOOT DIET works, with no adverse side effects.
We’ll help you achieve your DREAM BODY with 4 SIMPLE STEPS:
1. Walk into the wilderness.
2. Carry all your food in a backpack.
2. Walk 10 miles a day at high altitudes.
3. Cook all your meals in a single pot on a one-burner stove.
You’ll enjoy a breakfast of oatmeal and instant coffee before your lung-busting days of walking with a 40-pound backpack on your back. What’s for breakfast the next morning? Certainly not fresh croissants, or toasted bagels with cream cheese, with a steaming-hot vanilla latte. No, you’ll enjoy another breakfast of oatmeal and instant coffee.
While walking miles and miles of steep terrain all day, you’ll snack on Bars That Kind Of Remind You Of Food And Are Pretty Tasty Until You’ve Eaten Two Every Day For Six Days And Now You’re Fuckin Sick Of Them. Mmmm. Atop a mountain somewhere, you may say to your hiking partner, “Wow, these really taste like the chocolate chip cookies my grandmother used to make,” and when he or she says, “Really?” You’ll reply “Hell no!” and cackle hysterically.
At dinner, you’ll ravenously tear into pasta dishes that taste amazing when you’re 15 miles from the nearest road, but even you might have turned your nose up at when you were a drunk college sophomore.
We’ll help you lose all that desk-jockey weight in a few short days, or a couple weeks, with something we call MATH:
calories consumed – calories burned = your unwanted pounds disappearing
Who can gain weight when they’re burning 6,000 calories a day and only eating 3,000? Certainly not you. Grab your pack, cinch that waistbelt around your spare tire, and take our CUSTOM KIND-OF TASTY MEAL PLANS INTO THE BACKCOUNTRY NOW.
Semi-Rad is brought to you by Outdoor Research.
[photo courtesy Jim Harris]