Lose Weight Now With The 10,000-Foot Diet

10000 foot diet

Hey

Are you sick and tired of diets that JUST DON’T WORK?

Do you feel like a sucker after losing a few pounds with the NEWEST WEIGHT LOSS PRODUCT, but not seeing results after the first few days?

Well, maybe it’s time to try a real solution that’s guaranteed: THE 10,000-FOOT DIET.

Brought to you by the same people who invented POOPING IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND and SLEEPING ON A ONE-INCH THICK MATTRESS, the 10,000-FOOT DIET has been proven to work by expedition climbers, long-distance backpackers and thru-hikers, and will work for you.

Listen up, Man-Boobs: Do you have a week of vacation you’d like to dedicate to losing those pesky last few pounds, getting rid of those love handles and that ass-fat, and turning yourself into a shredded, cut, human beast? Forget those surgeries, those meal-replacement bars and shakes, forget meth—the 10,000-FOOT DIET works, with no adverse side effects.

We’ll help you achieve your DREAM BODY with 4 SIMPLE STEPS:

1. Walk into the wilderness.
2. Carry all your food in a backpack.
2. Walk 10 miles a day at high altitudes.
3. Cook all your meals in a single pot on a one-burner stove.

AND WATCH

THE POUNDS

MELT AWAY

You’ll enjoy a breakfast of oatmeal and instant coffee before your lung-busting days of walking with a 40-pound backpack on your back. What’s for breakfast the next morning? Certainly not fresh croissants, or toasted bagels with cream cheese, with a steaming-hot vanilla latte. No, you’ll enjoy another breakfast of oatmeal and instant coffee.

While walking miles and miles of steep terrain all day, you’ll snack on Bars That Kind Of Remind You Of Food And Are Pretty Tasty Until You’ve Eaten Two Every Day For Six Days And Now You’re Fuckin Sick Of Them. Mmmm. Atop a mountain somewhere, you may say to your hiking partner, “Wow, these really taste like the chocolate chip cookies my grandmother used to make,” and when he or she says, “Really?” You’ll reply “Hell no!” and cackle hysterically.

At dinner, you’ll ravenously tear into pasta dishes that taste amazing when you’re 15 miles from the nearest road, but even you might have turned your nose up at when you were a drunk college sophomore.

We’ll help you lose all that desk-jockey weight in a few short days, or a couple weeks, with something we call MATH:

calories consumed – calories burned = your unwanted pounds disappearing

Who can gain weight when they’re burning 6,000 calories a day and only eating 3,000? Certainly not you. Grab your pack, cinch that waistbelt around your spare tire, and take our CUSTOM KIND-OF TASTY MEAL PLANS INTO THE BACKCOUNTRY NOW.

CALL TODAY

-Brendan

[photo courtesy Jim Harris]

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10 Comments

  1. September 26, 2013

    Option this piece into a video, please.

    Reply
    • The Mighty Iain
      September 26, 2013

      YES!

      Reply
  2. Page
    September 26, 2013

    Billy Mays could make this dream into a reality.

    FOR ONLY 3 EASY PAYMENTS OF GAS, COFFEE AND CLIF BARS, THIS DIET COULD BE YOURS. ORDER TODAY!!

    Reply
  3. September 26, 2013

    Dude…. Sign me up!!

    Reply
  4. September 26, 2013

    I have tried THE 10,000-FOOT DIET and it really works! This diet is the coolest thing to come around since freeze-dried veggies.

    You should see my before and after photos! My friends were all, “Who is the dirty hobo in that picture?” Wow guys, they didn’t even recognize me! And I lost even more weight after my first shower back in civilization when all the dirt was gone from my arms and legs.

    You know how they say “The best food is trail food”? LOL! Just kidding… Who even says this?

    Reply
  5. Eric
    September 26, 2013

    The classic GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE diet. Although….hunger spice is a pretty powerful spice.

    Reply
  6. Jackson
    September 26, 2013

    You guys, this actually works! I know I know. I too have tried countless weight loss programs as seen on TV. Weight watchers, the Atkins diet, even Jenny Craig. Nothin has seemed to work. Till I tried this program. I’ve never been more happy and hungry before! And I promise. You will see results!

    Just say yes and call!

    Reply
  7. October 1, 2013

    But, I just got my medicinal meth card…

    Reply
  8. Skinny Timmy
    October 2, 2013

    Medicinal Meth and the 10,000 foot diet go hand in hand. Super Charged!

    Reply

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