You’ve heard the saying “No friends on a powder day,” so you know that it means “Sorry, everyone, my primary focus when the snow is good is to take care of my needs as a skier who will be dead someday and may not, let’s face it, have very many days of eight inches of powder in their remaining years. Also, I’m not actually sorry.” But what about non-skiing situations? I mean, friends are great, but are they better than things like nachos, or not getting mauled by a wild animal? That’s up to you. Here are a few other lines that might come in useful as you’re looking out for Number One:
- “No friends when we’re being chased by a bear”
- “or a shark”
- “No friends from the moment the server puts these nachos on the table until they’re gone”
- “No friends when someone brings in donuts for the entire office right when I happen to be in the break room”
- “No friends when I want to recline my seat on this three-hour flight”
- “Also no friends when I am seated in the back of the plane but we’ve landed and the seat belt sign turns off and I have decided I will be the first person to exit the plane no matter what”
- “No friends when everyone insists we go out for tapas and just ‘share everything’”
- “No friends when I’m about to poop my pants during this marathon and I finally get to a port-a-potty, even if there’s a line”
- “No friends when I was supposed to be the best man/maid of honor in your wedding but the airline was offering a $500 travel voucher for a volunteer to give up their seat and fly tomorrow instead”
- “No friends if you’re a character in Knives Out”
- “No friends at Thanksgiving dinner when I have some political shit I want to talk about with at everyone”
- “No friends if you are the lead singer of our band, Van Halen”
- “I knew it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart.”
—Brendan
More stuff like this in my new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems:
More Funny Shit in the Woods from Semi-Rad.com, out now.