Have you ever thought about becoming an elitist prick, but just weren’t sure how to get started or how to go about it? Do you secretly harbor a faint, or even strong, feeling that you might be better than literally everyone else out there? That’s a good start. Do you feel a small amount of joy at making fun of others who do things differently than you, and find it produces something like actual self-esteem, but not quite? Also a sign that you might excel at being an elitist prick. It’s time to develop that potential, with these tips to help you establish yourself at the top of a hierarchy visible only to you.
Establish in your own mind that the way you do anything is the best way for everyone to do it. For example, if you ski, snowboarders are doing it wrong—not just their chosen method of downhill snow travel, but probably also many other things in life, and possibly their entire life. Other people doing it wrong: Tele skiers (unless, of course, you tele, in which case everyone who doesn’t tele ski is wrong), people who ski fewer days a year than you, people who rent skis, people who use different skis than you, people who dress differently than you do for a day of skiing, people who ski places you don’t like to ski, and people who don’t ski at all.
Make fun of everyone who doesn’t think exactly like you. Anything is fair game: Backpack color, climbing route beta, politics, religion, cycling sock height, handlebar width, taste in music, preference of crunchy or creamy peanut butter, speed of hiking/skiing/riding. If you have an opinion on it, you’re right, and people who don’t agree are wrong. If you don’t have an opinion on it, create one—and start talking some shit about it. Do you think just because you haven’t climbed a route at the gym, you can’t tell someone else how to climb it? Of course you can. And if they don’t listen to you, obviously they’re a moron.
Go big. If you really want to alienate—ahem, elevate—yourself, it is far more efficient to shit on entire groups of people. Examples: Singlespeeders, non-singlespeeders, boulderers, trad climbers, people who like cilantro, people who install toilet paper rolls the opposite way you do, people who go slower/faster than you, people who prefer window seats, people who prefer aisle seats, and people who can’t get ketchup out of a glass ketchup bottle.
Gaslight people when they disagree with you. For example, if you say, “All mountain bikers are degenerates, murderers, and/or the type of people who would cut in front of you at a beer line at a music festival with no shame or remorse whatsoever,” and a mountain biker disagrees by saying something like, “Wow, that’s a pretty ridiculous thing to say” or “Go fuck yourself,” act like they’re the one who is out of line. Try this: “Wow, I’m just joking, take it easy.”
Leave no one out. Friends of friends, actual friends, acquaintances, even your family members—no one should be immune to your snobbery. Except, of course, you, because you are The Best. A true elitist prick shares the view from the top (or, more accurately, the view down their nose) with no one. If you have friends, make fun of them too. Eventually, you will become a person whose friends mention to others with a sort of apology— “Trust me, he’s a good guy; you just have to get to know him first,” meaning, “He’s a total asshole, but if you stick with it, eventually you can learn a sort of tolerance for him.”
Never back down. The ultimate goal is to be completely alone, sitting on the metaphorical throne you have created for yourself, with no friends left because they all think you’re an asshole. Don’t listen to other people, don’t change your opinion of anything (unless it serves the ultimate goal of alienating everyone), and certainly don’t ever question that the way you do anything could be wrong for anyone else. What this world needs is more division, more arguing, and more bickering (on the internet, in real life, in traffic, and everywhere else), not more connection. By becoming an elitist prick, you will help drive people apart, creating a society that thinks of literally every topic through the lens Us vs. Them. With your dedication, we can disagree on everything, and you can feel a little bit better about yourself, going to your deathbed knowing you were right. About everything. Just maybe a little misunderstood, by all these idiots.
—Brendan
Dozens more pieces like this one are in my new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems, out now.