21 Things Nobody Ever Says While Skiing

  1. “Yeah, today I’m skiing, but snowblades are my real passion”
  2. “You know what would make this even better? Rain.”
  3. “Oh, do you need to get by? Here, just ski over the top of my skis.”
  4. “I wish I could have gone to work today instead of doing this.”
  5. “This place is way more fun when there’s about 36 inches less snow.”
  6. “You know what really made my skiing better in the past few years? The selfie stick.”
  7. “I never really liked face shots.”
  8. “Let me tell you about my top 5 mediocre ski days.”
  9. “If I know it’s going to be a powder day, I like to get up early, go to the gym and do 5-6 sets of squats and deadlifts, 4-5 reps each set, as heavy as I can, before I head up to the mountain to ski.”
  10. “In the summertime, I like to wear these boots when I take my dog for walks.”
  11. “… and I finally said to them, “Thanks, but 11 inches is way too much new snow for me. I think I’ll stay home this time.’”
  12. “If you know what you’re doing, one pole is more than enough.”
  13. “I hope my kids don’t ever want to experience something like this.”
  14. “… and then they said, ‘You can either keep dating me, or you keep skiing—not both.’ So today’s my last day of skiing, ever.”
  15. “It takes me an hour and a half to drive here, but I really only need to ski for about 30 minutes and I’m good for the day.”
  16. “I know, it’s a beautiful day and the snow is great, but I just can’t stop thinking about how I need to clean my garage.”
  17. “If we’re lucky, the wind will pick up to 35-40 mph after lunch.”
  18. “Ask anybody—The Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars movie of the whole franchise.”
  19. “I’m in charge of building the moguls here.”
  20. “I wish this chairlift ride took twice as long.”
  21. “My kid fell down at the top of Chair 9, but I was like, ‘Sorry, bud, it’s a powder day.’ He’s almost six—he’ll figure it out.”


More stories like this in my new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems, out now.