Ski season is here. With any luck, you’ll have one or more powder days, and they will be the best ski days of your entire season. How should you share the joy of all that snow with the people you know, love, and/or just want to impress? Here are a few ideas.
1. Be vague, yet hyperbolic. When you’re telling someone who wasn’t there about your powder day, say, “Dave. It was so good. You DON’T EVEN KNOW. Dave. It was SO GOOD.”
2. Use gestures. Hold your hand, palm facing upward, and slap the outside of your leg at the corresponding height of the highest point you believe aerated snow struck you during a run (mid-calf, knee, mid-thigh, hip, rib cage, etc.) Do it hard enough to leave a bruise.
3. Use hearsay. “There was so much snow, I heard a guy from [insert name of often-maligned state here] quit after one run and complained that there was ‘too much snow’ and ‘you couldn’t even ski in it.’”
4. Talk about sacrifices you and your friends made to stay out skiing. Maybe you waited 10 minutes to three hours for first chair. Maybe you didn’t even eat lunch. Maybe you, not wanting to take even a five-minute break from slaying pow, soiled yourself mid-day or even mid-run. Maybe you drove your car into a ditch on the way to the mountain and chose to walk the rest of the way instead of calling for a tow truck. Maybe you quit your job because it was worth it to you for one powder day. Maybe you broke out of a maximum security prison to get there. Maybe it took you ten years to get home after the fall of Troy and your beautiful wife Penelope waited for you faithfully the whole time while rejecting the advances of unruly suitors. Maybe you paid $175 for a lift ticket at Vail, plus parking.
5. Exaggerate. ex. “It was so deep, the ski patrol wouldn’t let you get on the chairlift with skis that were less than 120 underfoot.”
5a. “It was so good, my friend Eric literally drowned in pow. I mean, he died. On the lift line under Chair 8. I could have gone back up to look for him, but sorry, that’s just how seriously I take powder days. Sorry, Eric.”
6. “Dave. SO GOOD. SO. GOOD. Dave.”
7. Use a social media platform to communicate any of the above items. I believe Snapchat is the hot shit these days.
8. Make vomiting noises when describing your powder day. “It was SO SICK. BLEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”
9. Actually vomit. Just like #8, but wetter.
More stories like this in my new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems, out now.