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Do You Have Obsessive Campfire Adjustment Syndrome?

Do you ever stare at a burning pile of logs and find yourself unable to stop futzing with it? Do you look at a campfire and immediately see one or more ways you could improve it? Are you the guy or girl sitting closest to the fire, always wearing a pair of beat-up leather gloves, or holding a narrow piece of split log, so you can adjust the infrastructure according to your next whim?

If you answered “yes” to any of these three questions, you may have Obsessive Campfire Adjustment Syndrome, or O.C.A.S. Obsessive Campfire Adjustment Syndrome affects one out of every four camping enthusiasts in their lifetime, which means you have a 25 percent chance of developing symptoms. It also means the next time you go camping in a group of four, three of you will enjoy the campfire, contentedly staring into its embers like cave people, and one of you will not stop messing with the goddamn fire.

Ask yourself:

  • Are you able to just sit and enjoy a campfire for what it is, a source of light and heat in the dark, cold night? If you answered No, you may have O.C.A.S.
  • Do you think you, not the wind, can control the direction that campfire smoke blows? If you answered Yes, you may have O.C.A.S.
  • Have you ever put a huge log on the fire, then gone to bed five minutes later, leaving someone else with the responsibility of making sure the fire goes out? This is not a symptom, but it is kind of a dick move, and you should probably stop doing it.

Sufferers of OCAS may not show symptoms until their mid-30s or early 40s. People with OCAS may not know they have OCAS. Symptoms may only surface when someone with OCAS is on a date.

If you suspect a friend may have OCAS, it is your responsibility to confront them. Try saying things like, “Dave, why don’t you sit down and stop fucking with the damn fire?”

Talk to your doctor about OCAS today. You’re not alone. Many sufferers of OCAS have gone on to enjoy a lifetime of weekend campfires without so much as even adding wood when the fire is about to go out.

Ask your doctor about which OCAS treatment options are right for you. Stop worrying, and start enjoying campfires today. If you have trouble concentrating, or have an erection lasting four hours or more, that probably has nothing to do with OCAS.

-Brendan

More stories like this in my new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems, out now.

Bybrendan
Updated

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  2. Do you try to recreate campfires in your living room by putting in logs that are way too big in order to create a roaring campfire effect and smell? You may have OCAS and your wife will likely divorce you because of it.

  4. You cannot control the direction of the fire smoke properly unless you remembered to pack in a left-handed smoke shifter.

  5. It pains me to see grown adults saying “white rabbit” and seriously think it’s going to help the smoke in their face. It’s all I can do to not catapult a flaming marsh mellow in their direction.

    I have a friend (cough) that may have had a four hour erection because of a well versed pyro at a campfire. Let’s not rule this symptom out.

    1. Yea, particularly because it only works if you state “I hate white rabbits” three times.

  12. How is it a dick move to leave the fire going all night? It makes it easier to start in the morning. If you are sleeping right there odds are you are going to notice if it gets out of control. And besides, being a competent fire engineer you would be able to predict the burn down over time and know how to set it up for a long slow burn. That’s why you put a big log on.

    Now if someone put on a pallet of lumber, sure, that would be a dick move.

  13. I was cured as a lad. My pops always told me I would pee the bed if I played with the fire.

    I also will never sit down next to a campfire. I prefer the ability to move away from where the smoke is blowing…

  15. Brandon, did you never play Burning Jack as a kid? Leather gloves are for sissies. The cool kids would sit around the fire until one of them got brave and popped out a coal with their fingers, pressed their two hands together in cup shapes forming a little cage, and bounced the ember around while blowing on it to keep it lit. It was then passed to the next individual in the circle and on down the line until someone let the ember go out. That person lost and had to do a seriously demeaning chore the next day. Great game.

  16. Yes, I do, but it’s only because you people don’t understand the process of combustion. You can’t just throw a pike of shit in a circle of rocks and expect it to burn.

  17. Pingback: Obsessive Campfire Adjustment Syndrome. Wazzat?! | The Outdoors India Blog

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