Have you heard of Mount Everest? Mount Everest is the tallest mountain on Earth, so it is also the best mountain on Earth. For several months each year, it is actually the best thing on Earth.
It is so high, its total height is often spoken about in meters, which are a larger unit of measurement than the “feet” used to describe mountains in the United States.
If you ever climb anything, your ultimate goal should be to climb Mount Everest, whether you are a boulderer or a gym climber or someone who just likes to hike up mountains in the summertime.
Mount Everest. Say it again.
The first thing you should know about Mount Everest is that it is expensive. In 2013, total travel, gear and guiding costs for a summit attempt on Mount Everest are approximately One Shitload of Money. Converted from U.S. Dollars into British Pounds, the cost is still One Shitload of Money.
Mount Everest is a great place to launch things, from hang gliders, to new brands of XTREME clothing, to awareness campaigns for things people need to know about. If you are unable to get people’s attention anywhere else on earth, you should climb Mount Everest and announce your Important Thing from there. “Everest Base Camp” is the most attention-grabbing dateline in the universe, next to “The White House.” If people don’t know about caffeine withdrawal headaches yet, it is worth spending a Shitload of Money to go to Mount Everest and let them know.
There are many dangers on Mount Everest, including falling into a crevasse, getting altitude sickness, and death, which is the biggest of the dangers. But it is worth it, because Mount Everest is the best mountain on earth.
Climbing Mount Everest requires lots of training. Experts recommend climbing a bunch of other — but obviously less significant — mountains on Earth. Especially mountains with lots of snow on them, like Mount Rainier or Mount McKinley. If you can’t climb other mountains, you should fill a large backpack with rocks, wrap your head with several pillowcases so it is difficult to breathe, and walk up 3,000 stairs every day. This will get you in shape.
Mount Everest is difficult because 1) it is tall, 2) it is hard to breathe up there, and 3) lots of other people are there. So when there is a good weather during tourist season, lots of people congregate on the route to the summit (there is only one route). So it is hard to move quickly, kind of like when you try to leave your seat to get to a bathroom during the 7th inning stretch at a Major League Baseball game, or switch trains at Grand Central Station during rush hour.
There are dozens of other mountains on earth, but no one will care if you climb them. If you climb Mount Everest, people will be interested.
Despite the risk of dying from all kinds of things including avalanches and falling off ladders, Mount Everest is a popular and worthy objective for the world’s best mountain climbers and lots of other people who are not the world’s best mountain climbers. Check it out today. More information is available on the internet.
-Brendan
Good one.
Its funny – years ago I was doing a lot of bigger mountain stuff, as well as deeply involved with mountain rescue. So I climbed Rainier twice of a couple of seasons, which of course was fantastic. But when I would tell people about those trips, they would inevitably ask me about Everest – “you must be training for Everest” they would say. Or “only a couple more test mountains before you can get to Everest”.
Whatever.
I have never had any desire to do that, especially in the ‘modern era.’ It’s dumb. But you capture that idea just fine in your story.
Always enjoyable to read your stuff.
Sinjin
overwhelming!
First ascent by a 54 YO with 3 crowns, Osgood Schlatter’s Condition and a pinched sciatic nerve. I am raising awareness about the terrible tofu shortage in Bulgaristan. The scourge must be stopped! Send donations to semi-rad.com/tofuBulgaroo.
Totally agree. I climbed Kilimanjaro two years ago, and that’s when I realized that, even though that was cool and all, I’d much rather stick to less crowded, and less expensive, mountains… Cause One Shitload of Money can by approximately One Shit-ton of smaller trips just as good as Everest!
Your sketch looks like the Travelocity Gnome turned sideways–which is somehow apropos given the taming of Everest.
Mr. Brendan,
I get where you are coming from. My staff will begin working on relocating the White House to the top of Mount Everest. Thank you for the suggestion.
– Barack
Mt. Everest is NOT the Tallest mountain on Earth. It is the HIGHEST mountain on Earth. Tallness is measured from the base of the mountain to its peak. Mt. Everest’s base is on a plateau that is already some thousands of feet up.
Whooooooosh.
Silly American…you mean meters.
WOLF!
Dude, K2 is pretty cool, too. Lots of people die on it. Shut up!
Brilliant bit of satirical writing – laughed my socks off!
Mt Everest is gonna punch your favorite mountain in the FACE…..like it’s Mt Everest’s beyatch!
I think more children should climb Mt Everest.
Nice….Everest, the ulitmate outdoor cliche.
Brendan,
I have been waiting with bated breath for your response since I read the first report. And like always you have delivered. Well done sir
Don’t forget that Everest is also on a bunch of lists, like the Seven Summits. I just did Carstensz, but that’s not really big. Just dangerous. And scary. Maybe I’ll do Everest next year then. Thanks!
If I can do a 13’er over the course of a weekend, am I ready for Everest?
There are dozens of other mountains?!
Everest is Disneyland for super rich people only was crowded as a NJT bus. No thanks, that is no adventure.
This has got to be the worst thing i have ever read any one who takes this seriously is more than likely going to die. Are you trying to get people killed or are you just writing things for the money?