Are You Addicted To Bike Porn?

It’s getting late on a weeknight as you sit in the dark in front of a glowing computer screen, watching. Glazed over, you mindlessly click click click and scroll through pages. You like to watch. A couple minutes here, a couple minutes there, usually at home, maybe sometimes at work with your office door closed, sometimes, but not too often, on your phone.

It’s kind of fantasy, but relatable. You can see yourself doing the things on the screen. You can almost feel it happening to you as it unfolds before your eyes. Then you —

“Honey, what are you doing out there?” your spouse yells from the bedroom.

“Uhh, yeah, just paying some bills online,” you stammer as you hurriedly close browser windows. “Be in in a second.”

Why are you lying? Watching movies of people riding bikes is nothing to be ashamed of, is it? No one was shy about sharing the “Where The Trail Ends” trailer on Facebook, or the video of that dude doing that huge backflip over that canyon in southern Utah. All your friends watch bike porn. Even your married friends watch bike porn.

But for real. Do you think you might have a problem? Four out of five dentists agree that a little bike porn is relatively harmless—like, for example, the amount they watch on a daily basis—but there is a limit, when bike porn begins to interfere with other aspects of your life. For example:

  • Do you watch bike porn on your phone, or on your iPad while using public transit?
  • When riding your bike, do you think about scenes in bike films? Or are you present in the moment?
  • Have you ever turned down riding with a friend for no reason, then stayed home and watched bike movies online?
  • Hypothetically, what’s more exciting to you: A day of riding in Whistler, or a day pass to the Bicycle Film Festival?
  • Do you curate a music playlist for your rides, or your drive to the trailhead? Are some of the songs from your favorite bike porn films?

As with other addictions, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. You don’t have to do this publicly, or to another person. One technique is to just go out into the garage and admit it to your bike. It’s OK. Remember, it’s perfectly normal. But you need to address it. If it makes you feel better to talk about it with someone, a close friend or family member, do that.

And then, of course, you have to stop watching so much bike porn. Which will take some effort, and willpower. Don’t hang out by yourself in front of a computer late at night—find something else to do away from the computer, like checking the air pressure in your tires or lubing your chain. Try to stay off Facebook and Twitter for a full two weeks after the Red Bull Rampage. Maybe don’t look at PinkBike.com for a month or two, until you feel comfortable going back and not clicking on anything that says “Video” in the headline.

The good news is, it does get better. Day by day, you will get yourself back, the more you ride, and the less you watch bike porn. One day, you won’t miss it at all. You’ll just ride.

-Brendan

Semi-Rad is brought to you by Outdoor Research.

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9 Comments

  1. November 14, 2013

    Guilty of the music playlist thing. Hangs head in shame.. ;)

    Reply
  2. db
    November 14, 2013

    “I can quit at any time…”

    Reply
  3. yaploq
    November 14, 2013

    I’m more of a climbing porn addicted person. I like big jugs.

    Reply
  4. Ryan
    November 14, 2013

    Yes, but only if:

    use LWP::Simple;
    my $article = get “http://semi-rad.com/2013/11/are-you-addicted-to-bike-porn/”;
    $article =~ s/bike/ski/g;
    print $article;

    $article =~ s/bike/climbing/g;
    print $article;

    $article =~ s/bike/girl/g;
    print $article;

    Reply
  5. Andrew
    November 14, 2013

    Does the same apply to climbing porn or can i get a pass on that? What about when injured or otherwise housebound?

    Reply
  6. Tim
    November 15, 2013

    Is it a problem if you only watch it at work?

    Reply
  7. November 20, 2013

    It’s only a problem when you don’t ride so you can hang out on the interwebs. At that point your just hopeless…

    Reply
  8. Dave
    November 20, 2013

    I solved my bike porn problem with ski porn. The wife if fine with it too. Mostly.

    Reply
  9. Will
    November 22, 2013

    Do you mark your calendar and lust for NAHBS photosets?

    Can you tell the difference between a Bilenky and a Vanilla by the lugwork alone?

    Did you add yourself to several custom builder’s wait list, even though they are 5 years long and you have no money?

    You might be addicted to bike porn.

    Sadly, I’ve even produced my own bike porn, you can find it on Fixed Gear Gallery circa 2005, though since having kids, my tastes have shifted more towards hot sites like Xtracycle Gallery, or repeatedly ogling the cargo haulers on Francis Cycles gallery.

    Someday I may change, but not today.

    Reply

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