Hiking Meetup Groups You Probably Shouldn’t Join

So, are you single? So are we! And we’re always looking for more attractive, fit, single folks to join our weekly hiking group. We wouldn’t call our hikes a dating or matchmaking opportunity—but we are always looking for more attractive, single, attractive folks who want to have a good time! If you’re looking for a fun bunch of hikers to hit the trails with, please email a headshot and a brief bio to Kevin, our group leader, who is single, and also the only member of the group right now. If you don’t like hiking but are single, Kevin is also on Tinder.

We’re an easygoing yet bloodthirsty group of hikers who meet periodically to hunt a human being in the style of the 1994 Gary Busey/Ice T film Surviving the Game. If you’re interested in “meeting up” with our fun crew, you will have a wonderful weekend of being tracked by hunters who have paid hefty sums for the chance at the “ultimate hunt”—you! If you live through the weekend, we’ll be surprised, and to be honest, a little disappointed, but it’ll be a thrilling couple days for you!

We love hiking, and we love hiking in a big group! Every Saturday, we meet at a trailhead at 6:45 a.m. to take over the place. If it’s your first time joining us, you’ll never remember everyone’s names—there are anywhere from 30 to 60 of us, depending on the weekend. But we’re fun! Unless you’re not part of our group and you happen to pick the same trailhead, in which case you’ll have to step off the trail for just a minute as we pass (OK, more like two or three minutes—remember, there are a few dozen of us). Hope you can join us some weekend and experience our total domination of every other user group in the area!

We meet every other Saturday at a different trail within two hours of the city to listen to Gary tell the same 25 stories about all the cool things he’s done in life. Sometimes Gary talks about backpacking and climbing trips he did a few years ago, sometimes he talks about his career in sales, and sometimes he tells stories that are designed to illustrate how much more of an alpha male he is than other men, but the central theme is always the same: Gary is cool. If you’re at the back of the group, you may get to talk to other members of our group, but if you’re within 20 or so feet of Gary, you will have a great opportunity to hear a lot about Gary. Gary will almost never tell the same story twice in the same weekend, but stories will be repeated from week to week. If you’re new here, Gary will ask a couple brief questions about your life, not to learn more about you, but to provide a jumping-off point to talk about himself.

If you’re not much of a planner, you’ll love our group—we never decide anything until the last minute lol! We meet up every other Sunday, and don’t pick a trail, a meeting place, or a meeting time, until sometime on Sunday morning, when someone starts a mass text between all our current group members. And then, all 23 of us collectively hash out a plan via text messages. Since we have so many trails nearby, it can be hard to decide! But don’t worry, we can usually agree on something within an hour and a half or so of texting back and forth. And then, most of us show up and hike!

We’re not so much a hiking group, since we get together every few weeks to free solo multipitch rock climbing routes 5.12 and above, but we do have to hike to the base of the routes we solo, so there’s that. We wouldn’t call what we do “dangerous,” but there are only three of us now, and there used to be seven of us. Actually, nine, if you count those couple folks who only joined us once, and then, well, you know.

Ve meet every other Vednesday evening after sundown, rising from our coffins for a casual few hours on the trail. You may notice ve all vear capes, have somewhat pale skin for a group of outdoor enthusiasts, and have rather elongated eye teeth. Ve vould love to get to know you on one of our night hikes on one of the dark, secluded trails near the metro area. Ve love short hike with some solitude, and ve’d love for you to bring your friends, as long as they are filled with blood.