That’s right. I know, it’s hot outside, and perhaps if I took a Lyft to meet you for coffee or lunch, I might not be so sweaty when I arrived. Perhaps I would not have sweat stains on my shirt under my backpack straps because I biked or walked to the coffee shop or restaurant. Perhaps I should give a fuck?
OK, I will give one, but not a whole one. I will give enough of a fuck to wear a dark-colored t-shirt that will somewhat mask the sweat until it dries, which might be near the end of our meeting. Hope that works for you. Perhaps not.
I know, I know, according to anti-perspirant commercials, I am not supposed to sweat. I am supposed to remain cool and confident at all situations, never let them see me sweat, never sweat while wearing a dress shirt. Guess what? I am confident. Confident that it’s hot as balls outside, and I am not going to treat myself like I’m a goddamn pint of ice cream all summer and rush from air-conditioned place to air-conditioned place so I don’t melt. And it’s going to be OK.
It is July, and I will be sweating in various amounts whenever I move around in the out-of-doors until at least mid-September. Actually, I will be sweating in various amounts year-round for the rest of my life because that is a perfectly normal thing to do if you are a human being. And you have probably done it too. Because you’re not a dog, which cools itself by panting, or a pig, which cools itself by wallowing in mud. You, human being, have sweat glands, and should not be ashamed to use them. If people at the gym make you feel self-conscious about sweating, those people have a fundamental misunderstanding of the purpose of the gym. The gym is not a Tinder profile photo, or a nightclub. People are there to improve, and to improve, you often have to sweat. Please wipe off the machines when you’re finished sweating all the fuck over them, you beautiful badass.
Does it smell bad? I mean, sweat smells, but have you smelled a deer carcass that’s been rotting on the side of the road for a couple weeks? That’s bad. Like no amount of Right Guard is going to cover that up. Now, sweat? I mean, it’s no bouquet of daffodils, but it’s also no rotting deer carcass. I think we can handle it. If you’re a little grossed out by someone wearing a t-shirt with a few spots of sweat on it, take a step back and think about it. It’s just sweat. I can guarantee you that that person’s shirt, no matter how sweaty it is, is a lot more clean than probably 50 percent of the hands of the men leaving airport restrooms.
Know the one proven method to cure yourself of sweating permanently? Death. That’s right, after death, you will never again find yourself sweating during a yoga class, five-mile jog, or work presentation. Death is 500% more effective than the leading underarm antiperspirants at stopping sweat where it starts.
Maybe you’re someone who says, “I don’t like to get sweaty,” which is your own prerogative. I don’t really like to get sweaty either, but I like to exercise more than I don’t like to get sweaty. So I’m going to sweat, thank you very much. And so are you sometimes, whether you want to admit it or not. So maybe don’t worry so much about it.
—Brendan