The Runner’s Guide To Pizza

There are all kinds of benefits to running, but let’s not bullshit ourselves: One of the biggest benefits is eating a bunch of food afterward.

So then. How much pizza do you deserve after running? I mean physically deserve, not emotionally. On a pure calorie-replacement basis, I used the handy Calories Burned Running Calculator from Runner’s World to figure out the amount of pizza I could eat after running a variety of distances. This is not Cosmo telling you how many minutes you have to log on the stairmaster during your Bikini Body In 6 Weeks Diet; this is one person trying to help you justify the hedonism of eating an entire pizza by yourself and not feeling bad about it. In general, if you want to eat more pizza, run more miles.

It’s just an approximation, of course, based on a pretty chill running pace, so if you’re want to know exact numbers, I’d encourage you to calculate using your own bodyweight, distance, and running pace. But here’s a general idea:

5K/3.1 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 328 calories

• 68 percent of one New York pizza slice, plain
• 80 percent of one deep-dish Chicago style pizza slice, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 410 calories

• 85 percent of New York pizza slice, plain
• 1 deep-dish Chicago style pizza slice, cheese

5 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 529 calories

• 1.1 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 1.29 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 662 calories

• 1.37 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 1.61 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

10K/6.2 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 656 calories

• 1.36 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 1.6 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 821 calories

• 1.7 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 2 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

7 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 741 calories

• 1.54 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 1.8 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 926 calories

• 1.92 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 2.26 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza slice, cheese

8 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 847 calories

• 1.76 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 2.07 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 1,059 calories

• 2.2 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 2.6 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

9 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 953 calories

• 1.98 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 2.32 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza slice, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 1,191 calories

• 2.47 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 2.9 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

10 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 1,059 calories

• 1.98 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 2.58 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 1,323 calories

• 2.75 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 3.23 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

HALF MARATHON (13.1 MILES)

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 1,387 calories

• 2.88 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 3.38 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 1,734 calories

• 3.6 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 4.23 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

MARATHON (26.2 MILES):

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 2,774 calories

• 5.76 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 6.77 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza, cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 3,467 calories

• 7.19 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 8.46 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza (OR one entire deep-dish pizza plus another .46 slice), cheese

50K/31 MILES:

Woman @ 9:30 miles: 3,282 calories

• 6.81 slices of New York pizza, plain
• One whole deep-dish Chicago style pizza (OR 8 slices), cheese

Man @ 9:30 miles: 4,103 calories

• 8.51 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 10 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza (OR one entire deep-dish pizza plus two extra slices), cheese

50 MILES:

Woman @ 14:00 miles: 5,294 calories

• 11 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 12.91 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza (OR 1.5 entire deep-dish pizzas), cheese

Man @ 14:00 miles: 6,617 calories

• 13.73 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 16.14 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza (OR 2 entire deep-dish pizzas), cheese

100K/62 MILES:

Woman @ 15:00 miles: 6,564 calories

• 13.62 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 16 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza (OR 2 entire deep-dish pizzas), cheese

Man @ 15:00 miles: 8,205 calories

• 17 slices of New York pizza, plain
• 20 slices of deep-dish Chicago style pizza (OR 2.5 entire deep-dish pizzas), cheese

100 MILES:

• Woman @ 20:00 miles:
  10,588 calories = However fucking much pizza you want (OR 22 slices of New York pizza, plain, OR 26 slices of deep-dish pizza, cheese )
• Man @ 20:00 miles:
  13,235 calories = However fucking much pizza you want (OR 27.5 slices of New York pizza, plain, or 32 slices of deep-dish pizza, cheese)

NOTE: For this pretty much totally unscientific blog post, the “woman” runner’s weight was randomly guessed to be about 140 pounds by a guy who doesn’t want anyone to feel bad if they weigh more or less than 140 pounds and isn’t trying to say anything about people’s weight, or adversely affect anyone’s body image, by using that number, because obviously runners come in all shapes and sizes and in the author’s opinion everyone deserves to eat pizza after they get done running. The “man” runner’s weight was guessed to be about 175 pounds, based on nothing but the author’s guess that he weighs about 175 pounds even though he hasn’t stepped on a proper scale in the past three or four years, and who doesn’t want anyone to feel bad if they weigh more or less than 175 pounds and isn’t trying to say anything about people’s weight, or adversely affect anyone’s body image, by using that number, because obviously runners come in all shapes and sizes and in the author’s opinion everyone deserves to eat pizza after they get done running. Calories in a deep-dish Chicago style pizza slice = 410, according to Gino’s East. Calories in a New York slice = 482, according to this 1994 New York Times article.

-Brendan

[photo via Wikimedia Commons/La Piazza Pizzeria]