9 Easy Ways To Not Be A Dick

9 easy ways to not be a dick
9 easy ways to not be a dick

1. Say “thank you.”

2. Don’t urinate on toilet seats.

3. When driving in traffic, waiting in line, or waiting on hold for what may seem an unjust amount of time, try Calming The Fuck Down. Inhale slowly and envision your lungs filling with air, and while exhaling, envision the universe continuing to not revolve around you.

4. Don’t stare at people. It can make them uncomfortable. If people want you to stare at them, they’ll let you know.

5. Don’t argue with people. Remember that time you argued with that person and they called you and idiot/an asshole/wrong and you immediately saw that they were right about whatever it is you were arguing about and you changed your mind? Huh.

6. Don’t catcall people. If you see an attractive person and are unsure what to do, not making an ass out of yourself by yelling something a fourth-grader could think up is usually a good preliminary step. From there, you could try grown up things like respectfully saying hello, or just leaving the person alone.

7. If you have garbage, place it into a trash can instead of onto the floor/ground next to the trash can.

8. When ordering a coffee or sandwich or engaging in another customer service transaction, put your phone away and focus your attention on the person helping you. Ask them how they are doing. Listen to their answer before you reply.

9. Don’t shoot a bunch of unarmed people.


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9 replies on “9 Easy Ways To Not Be A Dick”
  1. says: Steve

    10. Don’t shoot armed people (unless it’s really called for). Just because someone has a gun, it doesn’t mean they’d like you to shoot them or that they’d like to be shot. Just ask the next cop you meet, they’ll tell you they don’t want to be shot.

  2. says: Josh Solar

    I think you’re on to something here. There are so many people in this world. And I believe there are so many more people who don’t want to be dicks than people who do want to be dicks. I foresee a global community of folks committed specifically to not being a dick to other people.

  3. says: Stephen M.

    All of these behaviours are really symptoms of a bigger problem. To solve the bigger problem, only one simple step is required: observe that other people exist and conclude, therefore, that other people also want to go about their lives, much like you do. The other people also need to use the road, to receive gratitude, to not be shot, to enjoy a space without your garbage…

  4. says: Dallen

    Im sorry I peed on the toilet seat. Please forgive me. I have terrible aim sometimes. Ill do better next time.

  5. says: Reid

    #2, When at your mother’s house, sit down to pee. She will know it was you and call you out on that shit….

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