Like you, I am trying to get better at dealing with stress and anxiety. I am aware that I suck at it, and that the methods I have used to try to deal with it, along with not being created or recommended by any mental health professional, also suck. But I thought I would get a professional opinion on how those methods suck, and even maybe how much they suck, so I asked my friend and psychologist Dr. Trevor Davis for his professional opinion. He rated each strategy from one to five stars, one being bad and five being good, and wrote some notes in response to each one:
Strategy: Thinking “Everything Will Be Fine Once I Get [Thing] Done”
In this strategy, I do nothing to mitigate feelings of anxiety and stress when things are piling up on me and it feels as if it’s all very out of control. Instead of actually changing the way I look at things, or do things, or even stopping every once in a while to do some calming breathing exercises, I just keep going, for hours or days at a time, telling myself that once I finish a creative project, or meet a deadline, or get moved into a new house, or get through a public speaking event, I will feel better and things will be OK.
Rating: 2 Stars
Dr. Davis’ notes: Man, this one seems all about context and the big picture. Do this for a few hours, not a big deal. Do this for a few days? That is a recipe for some stomach ulcers. Like a hamster on a wheel, there’s always something to be done. Sounds tiring. While this strategy is probably better than procrastinating, the long-term consequences are what will get you eventually. Limited balance today means limited balance tomorrow.
Strategy: Saying Yes To Everything That Scares Me
The idea behind this strategy is, theoretically, personal growth—saying yes to a thing that is outside of my comfort zone, in order to push myself to rise to the occasion and therefore improve, or prove to myself that I was better/stronger/more capable than I assumed I was. And eventually, be scared of nothing, which will decrease or eliminate anxiety (I guess?) Examples: ultramarathons, mountaineering objectives, creative projects, contract gigs I am not qualified for on paper, writing a book on a subject I don’t know that much about, any sort of professional interaction that will cause me to have impostor syndrome (all of them), etc.
Rating: 3 stars
Dr. Davis’s notes: This one has a lot of potential. If you would change the “everything” to “some things,” you have a winner. The problem with saying yes to too many scary things is that you’re always scared, which I generally don’t recommend. But, with balance (there’s that word again) I think this is a great example of pursuing your values, like pushing yourself. Just remember to keep this in check with remembering your own worthiness without having to “do it all.”
Strategy: Thinking Of Every Single Thing That Could Go Wrong In Advance, In The Belief That If I Have Thought Of Something That Could Go Wrong, It Won’t Actually Happen
Example: In advance of a complicated travel itinerary, if I go over in my head all the ways I could fuck it up (or it could get fucked up without any input from me), everything will go smoothly—i.e. I could hit traffic on the way to the airport and be late for my flight, check-in could take forever, TSA could take forever, they could change my gate at the last minute, my flight could be delayed and I could miss my connection, at the other end my bag could not arrive and I could be late for the last train, and so on.
Rating: 1 star
Dr. Davis’s notes: This one actually makes me anxious just reading it, but a lot of people use this strategy, even me. This might be less of a strategy but more an example of anxiety. Tolerating uncertainty is something most people struggle with in one way or another. What’s interesting is that while you may not like uncertainty, you do a lot of things that have a good amount of it – climbing, ultramarathons, traveling. For those of us who can get loaded down by uncertainty I find that it helps to first acknowledge the unknowns of the situation we are facing. But don’t stop there. Actively pull your mind to times where you accomplished something in a similar situation, or another time that things went well even when there was an unexpected setback or challenge. Remind yourself that you’re capable of managing changes and challenges, even when you cannot control all of the variables.
Strategy: Eating A Whole Pizza
Even if it’s not a whole pizza, it is an amount of pizza higher than my caloric needs for the day, or two days, and I am not eating it to satiate hunger, but moreso to “feed my emotions.”
Rating: How big is the pizza? 1-5 stars
Dr. Davis’s notes: The usefulness of this one depends on a number of things. Sometimes emotions are hungry and it’s OK to feed them. Is it a treat, or is it a regular occurrence? Are you going to hurt yourself by doing this? I also know that if you tell yourself “No” you’re probably going to want to do this even more. That’s why restriction based diets don’t really work. I’d recommend improving this strategy by examining how much benefit versus harm it brings. Once the scale tips to more harm than good it’s worth finding a way to balance it out. It’s probably not a great strategy long term, but next time just invite me over and we can finish it together.
Strategy: Eating A Whole Pizza, But Instead Of Pizza, An Unreasonable Quantity Of Ice Cream
Rating: 1 star
Dr. Davis’s notes: I’d say go for it sometimes, but again, keep track of the risks involved. I’m “dairy sensitive,” so for me (and those around me) the risks are just too high.
Strategy: Working Late At Night To Get Just A Couple More Things Done So I Can Go To Bed Not Having To Think About Those Things
Working, of course, involving a glowing screen of a laptop or iPad.
Rating: 2 stars
Dr. Davis’s notes: This one isn’t necessarily horrible, but it is going to vary case by case. How late are you staying up? How often are you doing this? Is it harmful to your relationships? I’d encourage a review of time management and how many things you’re taking on at once. Give yourself time to pre-plan the next day, before it gets late. Prioritize. Try to give your eyes (and brain) and break from the screen at least 30 minutes (if not more) before bed. It’s also good sleep hygiene to try and keep a consistent sleep/wake routine. Of course, life happens. There’s always a need for flexibility.
Strategy: Running Long Distances To The Point Of Extreme Discomfort
A twofold strategy, in that running until the point of extreme discomfort allows me to forget all my worries for the period of minutes or hours that my legs and body hurt so much that I can’t think about anything else, and also in that the hours and even days following a long run provide a flush of endorphins that make me feel calm for a while.
Rating: 2 stars
Dr. Davis’s notes: You know, a lot of these strategies could be improved if they were less . . . extreme. Exercise is great for the bodymind and health, but too much can just be too much. Personally I’d worry about that extreme discomfort turning into an injury and then you’re left without running at all.
Strategy: Watching Crappy Action Movies
This is a way of escaping reality for two to three hours, through watching a movie, but not just any movie—a movie with a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 55% or lower. I don’t know why I do this, or why so many people have to die violent deaths on screen, or why I can’t just watch documentaries, or even just good movies instead.
Rating: 4.5 Stars
Dr. Davis’ notes: This could be 5 stars if you were more accepting of how much this helps you. It is OK to take a break. Ever heard of it? Invite me over for this, and I’ll bring the pizza.
Strategy: Treating Everything In Life Like A To-Do List, In Order To Be So Busy I Don’t Have To Be Present, Check In With Myself, Or Even Think About How I’m Feeling
With enough to-do lists, and enough action toward completing items on those to-do lists, and continually adding to those to-do lists, I can go entire days or weeks without ever realizing I don’t feel that great!
Rating: 1 Star
Dr. Davis’s notes: I suppose this is better than the alternative of not doing anything, but this strategy you’ve described is a perfect recipe for burnout. The good – making lists, taking action on goals, reviewing goals and accomplishments. The bad – ignoring your other needs and not checking in with yourself. The ugly – not noticing the other emotional needs. Again, the best thing to do is strive for some balance and make some space for checking in with how you are doing. Consider something like a daily check-in, asking yourself how you are physically, emotionally, in your relationships, and how is your progress on some of these important goals/tasks.
Strategy: Taking A Nice Relaxing Stroll, But Instead Of Being Alone With My Thoughts, Listening To An Audiobook Or Finding Something Else To Distract Me
Could just take the dog for his evening walk and relax, but no, let’s plug in some ear buds and listen to a harrowing survival story, or, even better, a story of a shipwreck tragedy with no survivors. Or scroll through social media apps, real estate listings, weather apps, bank accounts, then repeat, ad nauseam.
Rating: 4 Stars
Dr. Davis’s notes: A relaxing stroll sounds like a great strategy for anxiety management. Do those “distractions” help you relax? If so, great! Nothing is inherently wrong with any of the things you listed, as long as they’re done intentionally. Entertain yourself sometimes, but sometimes practice saying no. When you say no your mind will kick and scream for a little while but eventually it will calm down and that urge to distract will settle.
Strategy: Same As Above, But Replace “A Nice Relaxing Stroll” With Just About Any Situation In Which I Would Be Alone With My Thoughts
Rating: 2 Stars
Dr. Davis’s notes: Wherever you go, there you are. It’s totally OK to take some time away from thinking. Distraction is not always bad, but learning to be alone with your thoughts is important in managing anxiety in the long run.
Strategy: Trying A Meditation App For 1-3 Sessions, Then Failing To Establish A Regular Practice Of It, Then Quitting
In this strategy, I think to myself several times a day for several weeks, “Maybe I should try meditating,” and then I download a meditation app, and two or three days later, I give it a shot. I may do only the first session, I may do a couple sessions, or even a session every day for three days in a row. Sometimes, I’ll even do a few sessions, fail to do any more sessions for a week or so, and then start over. No matter what way I start, I never manage to keep it up.
Rating: 4 Stars
Dr. Davis’s notes: This is very good. It’ll take multiple starts to find the right fit and the right habit sequence. Keep trying, and pay attention to the specific things that work or don’t work. And, practice not putting yourself down for not keeping it up. It’s supposed to be a good thing, let it be.
Thanks for reading.
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—Brendan