Dear Dogs:

Dear dogs:

I’m sure you get this a lot, but I’m a big fan. I’ve been watching you for a while, and I just wanted to say I like your style. I think you’re doing good work out there.

I mean, I try to go running a lot for fitness and all that, and I gotta tell you, it’s kind of a chore sometimes. I have a watch that measures how far I’ve run and walked, which when you think about it, it pretty much calculates how much pizza I can eat after I run. And that’s kind of cool, but kind of sad, too. Because I see you in the park some afternoons and you make running look like the greatest thing ever, like you just got it for a birthday present and couldn’t wait to try it out. I guess I kind of envy your enthusiasm. And energy.

Also, you (I guess just maybe some of you), eat the way I want to eat. You just get in there and inhale everything in a matter of a couple minutes. And that’s awesome. I would like to do that myself, but other people at the table are always trying to talk to me when I eat, and I’m not supposed to talk to them with food in my mouth, so, you know. I mean, you don’t, because you can’t talk, which I suppose is kind of a bummer. But really, be honest—if someone promised you the ability to talk, but you had to eat slowly and not talk while you did it, would you take that deal? I know. Me neither, some days.

And you get the simple things, like riding in a car with your head out the window. I mean, that’s fun. Pure fun. And you don’t even give a shit what kind of car it is. You just stick your head out the window like Fuck Yeah. I guess part of that might be that you don’t have to go to work for nine hours when the car stops, but whatever.

I have observed you at work, at the TSA checkpoint in the airport, or when you’re leading a person around, and you don’t get distracted from your job, which is more than we can say for a lot of humans nowadays, who are always clicking around from this thing to that thing and can’t sit through a meeting without checking their phones. Know what I like about you? You don’t give a shit about Facebook, and you could care less about having a phone. You get all the news you need by sniffing other dogs’ butts and the spots where they pee. Simple. No spin, no fake news, just butts and pee.

Generally, you seem to believe the best about humans until proven otherwise, which is something humans could be better at. Actually, maybe that’s not totally true. You seem to believe the best about humans who are not delivering mail or packages to your house until proven otherwise. And probably even if those people delivering mail and packages to your house prove to you that they’re nice, you’ll still bark your ass off at them next time. And sometimes people on bikes or skateboards, I guess. But for the most part, you’re pretty chill.

And how about this, when someone picks you, you don’t leave them. If someone messes with your person, you bite the shit out of them (or at least threaten to). I only have a couple human friends who would do that for me. And they’re my favorite humans.

Anyway, keep up the good work out there. Seems like people are pretty into it.

—Brendan