Introducing Dirtbag Rewards®, The World’s First Dirtbag Loyalty Program

Are you real busy traveling all over the place to climb rocks, ride bikes, bag peaks, and otherwise explore some nature, but not about to get real busy paying for shit? Of course you are.

We understand. You’re budget-conscious. You’d rather save your money for future purchases of outdoor gizmos and widgets than waste it on frivolous things like expensive food and shelter any day of the week. And we think that kind of commitment to thriftiness, and the ingenuity it sometimes necessitates, should not go unrecognized.

That’s why we’ve created Dirtbag Rewards®, the world’s first dirtbag loyalty program. Similar to the loyalty programs of the world’s finest hotel groups, Dirtbag Rewards® lets you collect points during your travels and earn valuable benefits. Sign up today and start making your travel work for you. Earn points when you:

  • Sleep on a friend’s couch (2,000 points), or spend the night in your car instead of a hotel (2,000 points).
  • Eat only one meal over the course of an entire day, and it happened to be at an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet: 2,000 points
  • Manager of said Chinese buffet asks you to leave: 2,500 points
  • Park your van in a Wal-Mart parking lot overnight and camp for free: 1,000 points
  • Also not buy anything at said Wal-Mart: 1,000 points
  • Cut your own hair and actually have it turn out pretty decent-looking: 500 points
  • Park your van or pickup close enough to a public library to be able to poach wifi and watch an entire movie on Netflix: 500 points
  • Rifle through the dumpster behind a bagel shop or bakery and find several days’ worth of day-old bread products: 750 points
  • Buy a lightly-used backpack at an REI Garage Sale, thusly saving 75 percent off the retail price: 500 points
  • Get a free transcontinental flight by signing up for a series of credit cards but paid off your balance in full every month and pay $0 interest: 5,000 points
  • Borrow my Tetons guidebook and never give it back: Goddammit, Brad, it’s been over two years now. Have some fucking respect for other people’s things.

Start racking up the points today and collect Dirtbag Rewards® such as:

50,000 Points:

  • Two free showers at that one hostel in Moab ($6 value)
  • A spot almost big enough for your tent in a friendly stranger’s campsite in Joshua Tree National Park for one night ($5 value)
  • 12-pack of Top Ramen, Chili Flavor ($6 value)
  • And more

100,000 Points:

  • A ride from the Front Range to Indian Creek with some people you don’t know, although you’ll have to sit with your backpack on your lap the whole time ($20 value)
  • A ride from the Bay Area to Yosemite (same deal with the backpack)($20 value)
  • A $20 gift card to Flying J Travel Centers or Subway ($20 value)
  • And more

150,000 Points:

  • A $50 gift card to the Food Ranch in Orangeville, Utah, near Joe’s Valley ($50 value)A #2 Camalot bootied out of a crack in Red Rocks that still looks pretty good ($50 value)
  • A free night on a pretty comfortable couch in a friend of a friend’s boss’s timeshare condo in Vail, Tahoe, or Aspen ($50 value, at least; blackout dates include when friend of friend’s boss is staying in condo)
  • A hand-me-down puffy jacket with some loft left in it, and less than five duct tape patches ($50 value)
  • And more

Join today and start getting more than just credibility for all that dirtbag experience. For more information, ask that one guy who you’re pretty sure is living at the campground full-time.

-Brendan

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Category: AdventureHumorSatire

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8 comments

  1. Of the to do list I have checked all the boxes except “Rifle through the dumpster” and “watch an entire movie on Netflix”… UNLESS you swap the venue from the library to McDonalds, then we’re down to just the dumpster.

    Thanks for quantifying this Brendan, love it.

    I’d like to hear from others about the moment they’ve been most paranoid sleeping alone in their car.

    Recently, on the way home from the Blue Ridge Mountains, I stopped at Cumberland Falls in Daniel Boone National Forest. At the quintessential “WTF” hour of ~4am another car rolled up and parked right behind me, headlights blazing in through the rear glass of Sierra the Minivan illuminating my anxious Mexican-border-bobblehead named Beber. He gave me “the nod” confirming my fears that we were in for some sh*t… Two hooligans (they must have been hooligans, right?) were speaking to one another in hushed tones when all of the sudden their lights cut off and their voices fell silent (they were definitely planning an ambush, right?).

    Knowing that this moment was inevitable, I grabbed the knife velcroed to my reupholstered roof in one hand and slid from the bed platform into the driver’s seat. With my unweaponized hand I turned the keys that awaited in the ignition (not paranoid, right?), cut the parking brake, and burnt rubber screaming out of the gravel pull off and onto the Appalachian byway that wound its way off the plateau. After descending the requisite number of hairpin turns (there were no headlights behind me, but they were in hot pursuit, right?) I found solace in the blanket of Google-map-worthy cell coverage that led me straight to the nearest Walmart. Beber and I lived to dirtbag another day…

  2. Hilarious. I think I’ve reached that point in life when I’m the one giving the dirtbag space in my campground, though. Any points for that?

  3. Once, I found a MEC (Canada’s REI) backback at a garage sale on the really shady side of town for $5. It was in great condition, just needed a wash and systematic and regular application of Fabreeze. I still have it today. Best $5 I’ve ever spent on outdoor gear.

  4. Oh man, this is good shit Brendan… now I have a gift for all my dirtbag friends!! I might even laminate it… but probably not.

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Article by: brendan